“Wives, Submit to Your Husbands”: The Full, Surprising Meaning of Ephesians

Introduction: A Verse That Echoes and Divides

If you’ve spent any time in or around Christian circles, you’ve likely encountered Ephesians 5:22. It’s a verse that has shaped countless marriage ceremonies, sermons, and counseling sessions. It’s also a verse that has been used to justify oppression, silence voices, and create immense pain. For many, the three words “Wives, submit yourselves…” are enough to trigger a visceral reaction. They seem to paint a picture of a hierarchical, patriarchal marriage where one person leads and the other passively follows, a concept that feels fundamentally at odds with modern values of equality and mutual respect.

But what if our common understanding of this passage is incomplete? What if, by focusing on this single verse in isolation, we’ve missed the radical, counter-cultural, and beautiful message the Apostle Paul was actually presenting? To truly grasp the meaning of Ephesians 5:22, we cannot start at verse 22. We must back up, read the entire passage in its historical and literary context, and be willing to have our assumptions challenged. This isn’t about watering down scripture to make it more palatable; it’s about digging deeper to discover its transformative power. This post will journey through the famous “Household Code” of Ephesians to uncover a vision for marriage that is not about power and control, but about mutual submission, sacrificial love, and a profound reflection of the gospel itself.

The Verse Before the Verse: The Key to Everything (Ephesians 5:21)

This is the most critical step most readers miss. Ephesians 5:22 does not begin a new thought. In fact, in the original Greek text, the word “submit” isn’t even present in verse 22; it’s carried over from the previous verse. Paul’s command for wives to submit is directly prefaced by a broader, sweeping command for *all* believers.

Ephesians 5:21 (NIV): Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

This changes everything. Mutual submission is the overarching ethic for the entire Christian community. It is the soil from which the specific instructions to wives, husbands, children, and slaves (Eph. 6:1-9) grow. Paul is not first establishing a hierarchy; he is first establishing a mindset of humility, service, and mutual deference that should characterize all relationships among those who follow Christ.

The Greek word for “submit” here is *hypotassō*. It is a compound word: *tasso* meaning “to arrange” or “to order,” and *hypo* meaning “under.” It does not imply inferiority, weakness, or involuntary servitude. In a military context, it meant to arrange oneself in rank under a commanding officer for the sake of order and a common mission. In the body of Christ, the mission is to embody the love of Christ to a watching world. Therefore, “submission” is the voluntary, conscious choice to place the needs and interests of others ahead of our own, following the ultimate example of Jesus (Philippians 2:1-11). This mutual submission is the essential framework. Wives are not called to a unique form of subservience; they are called to live out this mutual submission specifically within the context of marriage, just as husbands are given their own specific—and far more demanding—call to action.

The Husband’s Astonishing Command: A Call to Cruciform Love (Ephesians 5:25-33)

If the command to wives is often misused, the command to husbands is often conveniently ignored. After his brief instruction to wives (just one verse), Paul spends the next nine verses addressing husbands. His charge is not about asserting authority, being the “boss,” or making all the final decisions. His command is infinitely more profound and challenging.

Ephesians 5:25 (NIV): Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Paul doesn’t merely say “love your wives.” He defines that love with the highest possible standard: the sacrificial, self-giving, death-to-self love of Christ for the Church. This is *agapē* love, a love driven by will and action, not just fleeting emotion. Let’s break down what this means for a husband:

1. Sacrificial Love: Christ’s love was costly. It required everything of him. Similarly, a husband’s love is measured by his willingness to sacrifice for his wife’s well-being—his time, his energy, his pride, and his personal desires. His primary role is not to be served, but to serve (Mark 10:45).
2. Sanctifying Love: Christ’s love aims to make the church “holy,” “cleansing her by the washing with water through the word” (v.26). This isn’t about a husband becoming his wife’s pastor or critic. It is about a husband taking responsibility for creating a spiritual environment where his wife can flourish. He encourages her, prays for her, supports her gifts, and helps remove anything that hinders her relationship with God. His love should make her a better, holier, more whole person.
3. Nurturing and Caring Love: “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church” (v.28-29). A husband’s care for his wife should be as instinctive, tender, and constant as the care he gives to his own body. Her needs, her dreams, and her health are to be as important to him as his own.

When this passage is read in its entirety, the dynamic is completely re-framed. The husband is not the CEO of the family; he is its chief servant. His “headship” (a complex word often meaning “source” or “origin,” as in Christ is the “head” of the church) is modeled on Christ’s headship—a leadership expressed through kneeling with a towel and basin to wash feet. The submission asked of the wife is a response to this kind of radical, self-emptying love. It is a trust placed in a man who has proven himself safe, sacrificial, and Christ-like.

Historical and Cultural Context: A Radical Statement in the First Century

It is impossible to overstate how counter-cultural this message would have been in the first-century Roman world. The *paterfamilias* (the male head of the household) held absolute power (*patria potestas*) over his wife, children, and slaves. He could disown his children, sell them into slavery, or even execute them with impunity. Wives had very few legal rights and were largely considered property.

Into this context, Paul speaks. While he works within the existing social structure (his immediate goal was not social revolution but spreading the gospel), he injects it with a completely new ethic.

To wives, he says, “submit,” but he redefines that submission not as obedience to a master, but as a voluntary act of reverence for Christ, directed toward a husband who is now bound by a sacred duty to love her unto death.
To husbands, he delivers a bombshell: “Love your wives as Christ loved the church.” In a culture that would have seen this as weak and effeminate, Paul elevates the wife to a position of immense value and dignity, equal to the husband’s own body and life.

The instructions were, in a sense, a pair of scissors designed to cut the legs out from under the toxic patriarchy of the age. By commanding mutual submission and Christ-like love, Paul was not endorsing the culture’s view of marriage; he was beginning a process of transforming it from the inside out. The potential for abuse inherent in the traditional system was neutered by the husband’s overwhelming responsibility to emulate the self-sacrifice of Christ.

Modern Applications: Moving Beyond Patriarchy to Gospel Partnership

So how does this ancient text apply to marriages today? The application is found not in creating a universal list of “who does what,” but in embracing the spirit of the passage: mutual submission and sacrificial love.

The debate often falls into two broad camps:
Complementarianism: This view emphasizes distinct, complementary roles for husbands and wives. The husband bears the primary responsibility for leadership and provision, and the wife bears the primary responsibility for supporting that leadership and nurturing the home. Submission is seen as an acknowledgment of this God-ordained structure.
Egalitarianism: This view emphasizes the fundamental equality of partners in marriage. Decision-making is shared, roles are flexible and based on gifting and circumstance rather than gender, and “mutual submission” means neither partner consistently has final authority over the other.

Both views appeal to this passage. Complementarians focus on the different commands and the concept of “headship.” Egalitarians focus on verse 21 and argue that Christ’s sacrifice redefined all power structures, making hierarchy in marriage inconsistent with the gospel.

Perhaps the most practical application lies not in choosing a camp, but in asking better questions of our own relationships:
For Husbands: Is my leadership characterized by the sacrificial love of Christ? Do I serve my wife’s growth and holiness? Do I nurture and care for her as my own body? Do I ultimately use my strength to empower her or to control her?
For Wives: Is my submission a voluntary response of trust and respect, offered out of reverence for Christ? Does it reflect a partnership in our shared mission?
For Both: How are we practicing *mutual* submission? Where do I need to humble myself and put your needs and interests ahead of my own? How do our decisions reflect our shared goal of reflecting the gospel?

The goal of Ephesians 5 is not to provide a rigid organizational chart for a Christian home. The goal is to paint a breathtaking picture: a marriage so filled with selfless love, mutual respect, and sacrificial service that it becomes a living metaphor for the relationship between Christ and his Church. It is a marriage that stops the world in its tracks and points to something— Someone—infinitely greater than itself.

Conclusion: A Portrait of the Gospel

Ephesians 5:22, in isolation, is a fragment of a masterpiece. When we step back and see the entire painting, we discover something far more beautiful and demanding than a simple power dynamic. We see a call to mutual submission, rooted in reverence for Christ. We see a revolutionary command for husbands to love with a love that is willing to die. We see a vision of marriage that is not about asserting rights, but about fulfilling responsibilities.

This passage is not a tool for control; it is an invitation to transformation. It invites husbands to become more like Christ and wives to become a radiant testament to that Christ-like love. The controversy around this verse often stems from a history of misapplication. But when understood in its full context, it ceases to be a weapon and becomes instead a blueprint for a marriage that is truly, and profoundly, gospel-centered.